Raising Us Up

If you ask me, who is stronger? The horse or the girl - I would say, my beautiful girl! 

She was always her own person!

As she is today. 

And I wanted to give her the freedom I never had.

Yet, I may have gone a little too far to the opposite side. 

Overtime, I had to learn that she was never "my" anything. 

Her path is similar to mine in some ways, and drastically different in other ways. 

I had to come to acceptance of that and have the humility to realize I was not the only influence in her life. 

Somehow we parents take on the responsibility for everything our kids go through in life. The truth is we are not responsible for everything.

Not even close! 

There are multiple factors that contribute to who our children are, what they do, and how they live their lives besides our parenting or lack thereof. Genetics, temperament, personality, environment, culture, social/political climate, socioeconomic factors, intergenerational trauma, social media, education, diet, peers, teachers, extended family, school, books, music...I could go on. Everything! 

Everything is a part of their make up! 

Parenting is just one aspect of this influence, albeit an important one but it is a single factor. Yet, often we take full responsibility for everything. This leads to enormous amount of guilt and shame. And it does not help anyone. It won't make a slight difference for our children either. 

We can't go back in time to undo anything that was done or undone. We can only do the best we can today, in each moment, and being the imperfect human beings we are.

And that is more than enough. 

It's the best gift we can give our kids. Just to be human and to be a real person. With all of our flaws, mistakes, lessons, failings, success, strength and wisdom. 

A few Christmases ago my wild child gave me a t-shirt with a very wise message.

Not to say it has been easy to do so. But I wear this shirt once in a while as a reminder lol And I realize at some point, everyone has to become an adult and move forward in their lives. 

My daughter is now 21 years old.

She is a fully grown adult with her own journey of discovering who she is and her lessons are hers alone. She knows I am always going to love her and be there for her. I also expect her to be who she is - strong, resilient, responsible, kind, ethical, honest, loving, generous, empathetic, and giving. 

Being there wasn't always the easiest thing for me coming from where I came from. But it's gotten better overtime. 

Relationships are challenging at the best of times and they have their ups and downs. And that's okay.

Conflict and pain are part of connection.

The goal is to be willing to continue to communicate and work at it. In some ways, our kids are our greatest teachers. I know that has been the case for me.

Parenting brought to the surface everything I needed to learn and heal. Absolutely everything! I was an unprepared mother, but the journey itself was the lesson. And even now, I go through periods when I have a wave of grief wash over me about the past. I think about the mother I could have been, and should have been. But I know that is a futile effort and it takes away from the mother I can be today. 

There's really no reason to hold on to the past. We learn from it and we move forward. The best gift we can give our children is to look after ourself and be the best role model we can be of what it means to be a functional human being. 

And what if...

I often joke with my daughter telling her "We grew up together!" That's 100% true. I was reparenting myself and raising my inner little girl as she was coming up. There was no other way. 

I want to leave you with this beautiful idea. 

Be gentle with yourself! Allow whatever it is that is coming up to be. Embrace it! The grief, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the worry, the fear - whatever it is! 

It's safe for you to feel all those things. And it is also safe for you to let them go! 

You are perfect just the way you are. 

Until next time, we continue in earnest solidarity!

Warm Regards,

Neseret Bemient, RN, BScN

Holistic Mental Health Advocate

PS: 

If you are ready to stop struggling and start living the life you want starting today, you can click on the link below and schedule 

a 30 minute discovery/consultation session 

https://calendly.com/returntowholenessnow/30min

BIG DREAMS

...start inside

...take courage

...involve effort

...include mistakes

...build character

...are achievable

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~